false alarm. still invincible.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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