my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
