Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
