No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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