my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize