Porn is love you can see.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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