I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
The convent might be a nice break from real life
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
