If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
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Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
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Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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