My cat gives me a boner
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
