So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
