Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
