there was a trapeze. enough said
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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