you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I need a beard to bite.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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