He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
