I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
