I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
