I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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