There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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