I'll bet she douches with gravy.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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