Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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