i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
