Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
We left an ass print on the piano.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
