He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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