WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
