So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
