Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
