everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
