so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
