my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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