I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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