she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
