Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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