I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
