The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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