4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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