honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
