Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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