oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
