theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
