I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
