is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
