The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
