I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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