i think i have two assholes
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
