can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
