Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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