Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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