so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
