Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
