she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
