I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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