My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
