Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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