I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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