tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
