I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
