i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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