You're completely useless in the revolution.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
