I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Sorry my hands just texted you
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
i now understand why vodka
I need a beard to bite.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
