remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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