I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
