I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
we're making bets on your personal life
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
