y did u give ur computer a hand job?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
